31 July 2010

Breck's Thoughts: Snotballs

Yesterday, while walking through Toys-R-Us to pick up a birthday gift for one of Oliver's friends, Bennett had one of his oh-so-regular vomit moments.  (Unfortunately, Bennett seems to be throwing up several ounces of formula with about 80% regularity these days.  It happens so often that he gets about 2-3 clothes changes a day. We're not sure why he is having this problem but will talk to the doctor on Monday.)

Nontheless, Bennett was happily riding in the bright blue Toys-R-Us buggie when all of the sudden I heard the sound of fluid hitting the cold white-speckled tiled floor down below.  I stopped and assessed him.  Somehow he was dry.  My foot and the floor was another story.  I grabbed a burp cloth and started to reach down to clean up the mess until I noticed a big wad of snot.  Among the white formula that Bennett's tummy wanted out was a green burgerish snotty mess.  A glob of mucus just sitting there.

It was gross.  But I cleaned it up (because that's what moms do - we clean up our kids' vomit, poop and mucus) and I got over my own feeling of I-want-to-run-because-this-is-disgusting (because that's also what moms do - we love our kids too much to care).  And then I thought...

this snotball is what's in Bennett's body, in his lungs, every day, building up.  This is what I'm fighting.  It's like Nickeleon my baby's lungs.

It's the kind of snot that you only get when you have a really bad cold - or when you've been crying hard enough to use alot of tissues - or when you sneeze/cough so hard wet and sticky comes out onto your hand...

And it's in my kid's lungs...and in his tummy...and it's causing him tremendous trouble everyday.  It is this snotball that will eventually cause him to stop breathing one day.

And then for a second, in the middle of Toys R Us, I just stopped and took a deep breath.

My breath was clear and easy.  No rattling sound.  No need to cough.  No need to clear my throat.  No need to blow my nose.

And I realized that, even after 10 months of CF being a part of my daily life, I still do not really have any idea of what my child must feel like - or eventually will feel like - to have lungs junked up with that snotball-kind-of-mucus.

For a second, I wanted to take a picture of that mucus, just to remind me, this is what we're fighting.  This is what is taking up home within Bennett's body.


1 comment :

  1. I read this a while back and have been meaning to comment ever since. What a poignant way to describe the battle your family faces. It's amazing how such simple moments can really put things into perspective.


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