23 November 2009

Breck's Thoughts: Confidence

When you have a child in the hospital, you ought to consider yourself admitted too.

I have lived at the hospital for nearly two weeks.  I have slept on hospital sheets, spent my days with nurses and have followed doctors orders set for Bennett in the patient chart.   And as difficult as it has been for myself as well as my family, I realize, this has been so good for me.  It has been my own emotional hospitalization - a time for me to heal.

Bennett has not been the only one to make improvements over the last 2 weeks.  Changes have happened within me.  Twice this weekend someone has given me feedback about how I am doing which has made me realize that being stuck at the hospital could have actually been beneficial for me.   

On our trip back to the airport, Chelsea shared with me the things that surprised her most about our new life in Texas.  One of the things she shared was her surprised over how confident that I am in caring for Bennett.

"Really?" I thought.  "Confident?!?  I have no idea what I am doing."

But as I listened to her, I realized she is right.  I am more confident than ever before.  I know what I'm doing.  I know what I need.  I know where I'm going.  And it's no longer a big deal.  Ileostomy?  Piece of cake.  Enzymes?  Easy Cheesy.  G-button?  I could do it in my sleep.  :)

This isn't to say that our life isn't an adjustment.  But it is to say the adjusting as already begun.

The second time I heard this this weekend was when one of my favorite nurses returned after a few days of being off.  We were talking about all of the things Bennett needed - medicines, feeding, diaper changing, etc.  And she said, "gosh, girl.  you've really got all of this figured out."

And I smiled.  Because, while I don't exactly have all of this "figured out" - Yes, I can do this.

Bennett is no longer in pain.  And I'm thankful for his comfort.  I'm thankful for his hunger and ability to digest his food.  I'm thankful that he is gaining weight.

I'm so thankful he's my sweet boy.  Who cares about multiple medicines, difficult schedules and not-so-normal poop episodes?  We have so much to be glad for.

Being in the hospital has forced me to learn how to care for Bennett quickly and efficiently.  And it has given me the time to connect with Bennett in a very special way.   How lucky am I to be able to give undivided attention to my second baby in the same way I was able to with the first?

Being in the hospital has kept me from my life as I knew it.  I've been away from my work, my family and my friends.  But while I've had new stresses, many of the old stresses have had to fade into the background. 

Since having been admitted to the hospital, I have been able to learn about my son's diagnosis and ask questions of the CF experts.  I have felt the love of family and friends like none other time in my life. The overflow of love has been overwhelming.

I'm in the hospital too.  Going on day 12.

But I'm being cared for by the Great Physician.  And I can tell...

I'm improving.


  1. What a great post - it makes me smile to know that Bennett AND his mama are doing well and to know where it's coming from - the author of wisdom and comfort.

  2. You rock!! I don't know if I said this to you... but God gives us challenges because he knows we can do it. We are blessed to have the confidence and ability to give our kids what they need. I want to hug you through my computer.

  3. I'm so proud of you, Breck! I've learned so very much from you and Brian since Bennett's birth. Praying for you all this Monday at 1pm:) - Kim

  4. It's amazing to see how much this post differs from some of your earlier ones. You can tell that your fear has subsided. You ARE the momma bear and you will fight ferociously to take care of YOUR boy.

    Jen is right - God doesn't give us what we can't handle. It's difficult to see that at the time, but when you look back, it's easy to see how you've become stronger because of the experience. You are one tough cookie, Breck. You always have been. This experience has just made you even stronger. God knew you could handle it. Now, I think you know it too. What a great gift.

  5. A glorious Thanksgiving has already begun!!! To God be the glory!!

    Wanda Fields,Minden

  6. Breck-I am SO praying for Bennett. I am SO praying for you too! I know you are the best mom for Bennett and that you will make his life incredible-and he yours. Love to you all! Cindi Schooley


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