26 October 2009

Breck's Thoughts: Hope Deferred...

Hope deferred...makes the heart sick.  Psalms 13:12

I didn't expect for today to upset me so much.  But it did.
I know I wasn't supposed to anticipate, but I did.
I know I wasn't supposed to hope, but I did. 

And today, disappointment won out.

How do you plan your life with no plans?  This is how it has felt for the past 4 weeks...constantly living day to day, sometimes hour by hour - always at the whim of whatever turn your little one's health takes.  This is what it is like to live in the unstable world of the NICU. 

Early last week, Dr. Guo sat us down to let us know they were ready to begin the process of discharging Bennett.  I remember being stunned by this information as I had just gotten to a point of acceptance that Bennett's NICU experience might be a long one.  The shock of having only 7 days until we would bring our little one home moved us to get our home and lives as ready as possible to bring home a special needs newborn.  We quickly began the process of becoming experts on CF, breathing treatments and ostomies.

A few days later, we learned that Bennett contracted an infection that could prolong his stay for a short time.  We ended up canceling several plans that had been lined up in order to prepare us for his homecoming.  While slightly inconvenienced, we rested in the fact that Bennett's delay would be no more than a day or two later than expected.

We began to consider what it would be like to have Bennett home.  We had already prepared our home, his carseat and crib for his arrival.  That was nearly a month ago now.  But now, we were preparing again.  This time we were clearing out new drawers (for all the new medical supplies we would need), putting the baby's carseat back in the car (since we had removed it shortly after we knew he would not be coming home) and discussing about how we would arrange our life schedule around breathing treatments.

And, ever so slightly, we began to dream...about life at home with Bennett.  Who would watch Oliver when we went to the hospital to pick him up?  When would we likely want to begin inviting friends over to our home again?  What would it be like to have Bennett here for Halloween?

But I shouldn't have thought about it.  I shouldn't have gone there.  In hindsight, it just made today more painful.

The doctors decided to keep Bennett until next week to make sure he gained enough weight to come home and to make sure his infection was fully gone.

I agree with them.  I certainly don't want him home one second earlier than the doctors feel comfortable.  But, how much my heart began to hurt as I realized.  Bennett won't be home for another 11 days a least.  He won't be home to celebrate his one-month birthday.   He won't be home to experience his first Halloween.

You'd think I'd get used to this not-having-your-baby-home thing, but I haven't.  It doesn't get easier.  In some ways, I think it gets worse.

It feels like there is a point when you just want to throw your hands up and say, "I give up.  I'm tired of trying to hope."

Hope deferred makes the heart sick.  And my heart hurts.


  1. I'm so sorry that your heart is hurting. We are praying for little Bennett's infection to heal quickly, so you can begin to find your new "normal" at home.

    Kiss you little boys for me...

  2. Oh Breck, my heart hurts for you. I can't imagine how hard it must be to get your hopes up for and then be let down. We're so much alike - We plan. We prepare. And it's hard when things don't follow the plans we have laid out. I can't say I understand what it's like to be in your situation, but I CAN say I know how it hurts when life or situations don't go the way we planned them.

    BUT, you will adjust. You always do. There will be new plans and maybe those will come to fruition. Whatever you do, don't lose the ability to hope. Although it might have taken the sting away from this situation, hoping and planning is who you are. Never, ever change that.

    I pray that Bennett gets well soon so he can join you at home. I know that when the time comes, although it might not be as you planned it, it will still be just right.

    Love you, girl!

  3. Hope deferred is still hope. I know you are anxious to have Bennett home.

  4. Breck - I read this post today. I have tears in my eyes. My heart breaks for you. I don't know what else to say except you have so much love coming from Missouri right now.

  5. Brittany, as a mother I completely understand the uncontrollable love that you have for your children. I wish I could take your hurt away and say that everything is going to be alright. I know how bad you want to be home with Bennett and you will be very soon. He is blessed to have you as a mother. Caring so much as to hurt that he will miss his first Halloween. You are truly a treasure and Bennett is your gift. So when your day doesn't go your way, just read your scripture that you wrote for Bennett.

    You are in my prayers as always.

    Meredith Waguespack


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