10 August 2020

Hair in my face, hanging upside down but still holding on

Up until almost this very moment, I've been single-parenting alone for nearly 6 months without a break. Things changed for the first time this week and it's been a welcomed respite.  Parenting 3 children (including one with a chronic health condition) alone 24/7 for months on end in the middle of a world-wide pandemic has taken every bit of my focus.  We have had very little face-to-face contact with the outside world and the little contact we have had has been short lived, outdoors in the Texas heat.

I've wanted to blog so many times.  I've had so much to say.  But sleep, messes and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches have needed my attention more.

Now that I have time to write, I realize there's no organization to my thoughts. I want to pour them out onto the computer screen like pouring a bucket of random Legos onto the floor.  Pour them out, assess them, and then try to figure out what to make of them.

From time to time, the blog has become particularly quiet.  Sometimes it's been because Bennett's CF has been well-managed and things are peaceful here.  

Other times the blog has been quiet because I've been too busy gripping the handle bars as life flung me around a sharp curve or catapulted me into a deep dive before shooting me straight back up again.

In these moments, I just wish I could get off the ride.  I'm tired of the "ups and downs" and "around and arounds."  I was really hoping I'd be in for a quieter more pleasurable ride, like a ride in a canoe or something.  I wanted beautiful views, not whiplash.

But this ride called "Life" doesn't ask you what you want.  It just says, "hold on! here we go!"

When I think of how much our life changed with cystic fibrosis, I can look back and say, "wow, that's not the trip I would have planned but I do see such sweet parts of it."  In the same way, I am trying these days to pretend like I can "look back" to my life right now as a working single mom separated from friends and family due to COVID19 living in an uncertain world and about to start homeschooling and say, "oh, that's so sweet."  But it's hard to have 20/20 vision when you're just trying to keep your eyelids open.

I don't know where this ride is taking me right now.  Where will life have me in a couple of years?  I'm confident more now than ever before that I have completely no idea.

Exiting the car is not an option.  So, I'm making sure the seatbelt is secure.  I'm reminding myself outloud that God is in control and that I'm not in a freefall.  

Although I can often feel as through I'm suspended in the air - my hair whipping my face, unable to see where I'm going - I know that the truth is, I can lean back into the hard seat, let out a scream and "enjoy" (er, accept) this part of the ride.

Upside down won't last forever. 

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