11 May 2011

Non-thought Thoughts

My blogging has slowed...

My brain seems quiet right now.

No, I take that back.  My brain is on full-out go mode.  It's my heart that is quiet right now.

I feel like I'm having non-thought thoughts.  I'm thinking but having so little reflection.  It's hard to reflect during a time when the world is spinning around me.

We are being admitted to the Feeding Clinic on Monday.  At the last minute, we got the go ahead from the insurance.  (The Feeding Clinic is a VERY expensive program - four weeks in an intensive hospital program doesn't come cheap.  So, we've been holding our breath a bit, waiting to hear back that Bennett did get authorization to be admitted.  Fortunately, he is.) 

Our days now are a bit of a countdown and a group of lists: haircuts, check.  newspaper subscription on hold, check.  refrigerator cleaned out, check.

We are focused on packing and pulling things together, on slowing things down with our life in Waco to prepare for what lies ahead in Dallas.

One nice piece of relief comes from knowing we will be returning, all of us but Bennett, for our CF Walk on May 21.  It will be wonderful to experience a day of CF celebration with our friends.  I am very sad Bennett cannot come.  But he must stay admitted and I have known from the beginning that should we return for the CF Walk, he would not be able to join us.  So, I'm partially ok about it.  Well, partially.

As we pack up life here, I wonder a variety of questions...

What will the hospital be like?
Will I feel trapped?
Will I hate the cold white floors like I do in every other hospital we've been in?
Will I feel lonely?  
Will we get any sleep there?
Will Bennett get scared being in a new place and in a new bed, not returning to his comforting home?
Will Oliver feel lonely in his new place at the Ronald McDonald House?
Will Brian and I stay connected even though we're living apart?
Will we get tired of eating out or having to eat microwaved food?
Will we feel trapped while living on the hospital schedule, instead of our own?
Will Bennett take to the hospital's behavior program quickly?
Will I cry there?  
Will I find peace there?
Will each day pass slowly like it has during our other hospital stays?
Or, will life be full of laughter and new adventure?
Will my heart ache to leave my son at the hospital while knowing I have to be with my other son outside of the hospital?
Will all of this be worth it?

If I had not had previous hospitalizations with Bennett, I probably would find myself much more excited about this trip.  This hospitalization is an opportunity - a bit of hope.  Shouldn't I be excited?  But I know what it's like to live in a place where others actually work.

I know what it's like to be trapped in a place where I cannot come without being "admitted" and cannot leave without being "discharged".  I know what it's like to be under intense florescent lights all day long and live between white sterile walls that do not feel like home.

My thoughts feel unreflective mostly because my reflective thoughts are those of anxiety and dread.  "Will this time be like the other times?" I wonder.

This time offers us so much more than other times - our other hospitalizations - could offer.  I have alot of reason to hope.  But my heart is scared.

Will we be happy there?


  1. Some random thoughts in reposnse to your non-thoughts: Can you take a rug to put on the floor of his room (having something soft on the floor might be nice and will also break up the white), can Oliver make "wallpaper" for you to put up all over the room, do you have bright pillowcases and blankets to soften the institutional feel? I have hope for this trip. I know that you will be strong for both of your boys, even when you dont feel like it and I know that it will be an adventure for all of you, even if it is an adventure centered around a hospital. And when you don't feel strong or adevnturous, you can ask for help and so many loved ones will be able to help you. I love how much of yourself you share. Prayers for all of you.

  2. We have put your family in our "prayer jar" to pray for in our family devotional times. I can relate to your dread and I know a hospital is just a HARD place to be. Continue to look for the good in all of this. God has a purpose and a plan for ALL THAT HE ALLOWS!! You have done an amazing job so far and we will trust that He will give you all that you (and your family needs). There is joy in that knowledge even in the midst of the great sadness that you must be feeling right now. WE will continue to pray for you and expect to see God do amazing things...not only in Bennet, but in you and those that you come in contact with. Hang in there.

  3. Please let me know if you will need anything! I will keep you in my prayers and hope everything goes well! I know that the outcomes will definitely be worth it.

  4. Man, I totally know that feeling. Everytime we get admitted, I get that trapped feeling. I hate, hate, hate it. After a few days, it sorta wears off.

    The two things that always help me are MY pillow with MY pillow case, and MY comforter. It helps me alot, to be able to smell my own smells while I try to sleep.

  5. I think hospital make us all run as CF mamas because we know all the horrible experiences and memories they leave. I feel that often. I feel your pain. Just never forget that if you don't think it is helping Bennett you CAN leave. I think once you get into a routine, things will go well and Bennett will thrive. At the end of this, you will look back and realize what a great thing you did for him! Kudos to you mama! You are strong family and always doing what is best for your children! Hang in there. We will be thinking of you. Keep us postd on your journey!


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