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Disarray

Thursday, May 26, 2011

:::EDIT: I should probably qualify my feeling of loneliness.  I actually feel very loved and not lonely here in Dallas in most ways.  Nana and Papa are here.  Brian is here with us.  I know friends are just a phone call, email or Skype visit away.  But sometimes, at night, at the end of the day, when all is said and done, it can feel a bit lonely to live in a hospital.  It's just part of the whole package...and something that I seem to be able to relieve with time and processing.  Fortunately, writing my feelings down helps relieve the stress.:::

The novelty of a "vacation" at the hospital is starting to wear off.

I was doing really good, feeling balanced and secure until today.  Our hospital room, our safe haven, here at the hospital is no more.  We are now in a new room, on a new floor with new rules and different children.  There are things I will likely appreciate about this change later but for now, I'm really disappointed.

And, not only am I disappointed, I am feeling unsafe.  I really liked our room.  We had come to the hospital with a cheerful spirit ready to make the room cozy and fun.  I had to leave behind my wallpapered bulletin boards, the ability to hang my clothes, a private bathroom and our quiet "cul-de-sac" hallway.

Now, I sit in a room that has new shelving for which I have no organized boxes to place our stuff.  We traded our private bath for a shared bathroom (between 4 patients and their parents), which means I must hobble back and forth with my toiletries and ask a nurse to bring me a chair in order that I can prevent my cast from getting wet during my shower.  Now, Bennett is subjected to a much louder floor whose lights shine through his window starting at 6AM (if this doesn't work out tomorrow, I will exchange his bed for mine so that I am closer to the door and he is closer to the window, an effort to keep him asleep as long as possible).

The nurses have started to get to me more.  I've had one or two make snide comments that have made me feel insecure.  This is typical of women...we say one thing but communicate much more by our voice and bodily language.  I pick it up and begin to internalize their bad days or frustrations.  It has made me feel like maybe I'm being demanding or irresponsible or entitled, all things that I dislike people to think of me...and things that I probably am not being but am hypersensitive about coming across to others.  It's made me want to retreat, to be alone and recharge - something difficult to do in a hospital, particularly on a children's floor shared by 8 other people.

After having a nurse, this evening, speak to me in a condescending way, I uttered my only and, as I later realized, useless defense, "it's hard being in the hospital.  You're already away from your home and unable to control your life.  And it's even harder having just moved to a new room and new floor and having to learn new routines."

The nurse smiled and nodded in a way that told me she didn't care - or at least understand.  This is her workplace, not her home.  Her response is probably not meant to be patronizing but it came across that way.  These little things, like schedule changes, room changes or remarks from other nurses, add up and eventually take a toll.

Things will improve, I know.  My room will get back to order at some point.  I'll get in a new routine and begin to feel confidence again.  But living at the hospital, despite best efforts, can still feel lonely.

Nurses and patients can seem to have conflicting agendas.  Nurses have pressures that patients do not understand.  Patients have pressures nurses do not understand.  And sometimes, being a patient (the only perspective I have) can feel powerless.

I'm paying attention to my emotions, trying to sort out how I'm feeling and how best to respond in order to help me recharge.  But for now, my feeling is simply one of insecurity and disappointment.

I didn't want to move.  I don't like feeling like everything is out of place and I don't know what to expect.  It makes me feel not in control and lonely.

My thankful moment #24 for today is: I am thankful for the opportunity to have had my in-laws help us move downstairs today.  It certainly made me feel better knowing I didn't have to move all by ourselves.

3 Responses to “Disarray”

  1. So sorry about all the transitions. It must be very hard and I cannot imagine all the emotions you are going through. Sounds like you keeping "your best mommy ways!" Way to continue to be the best advocate for him and you. Change is difficult once you get to the hospital and even more when you have to change again once there. I think it is great you are reminding "those people" of the reality you live even when it is their "work." They may not appear to care or listen but continue to talk! Eventually someone will hear it. Make them! You are a great mom- don't stop believing that. Hang in there! We are thinking of all of you!

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  2. So sorry to hear the frustrations and difficulties of being at the hospital. It is one of the toughest places I know to be at day in and day out. Unless you have walked a similar road, it is hard to put it into words. The intense emotion that comes with the isolation and not having much control is just hard! (Not to mention that you are hobbling around too.=( ) I am sad for you, but lifting you up in prayer. You can do this! God has given you what you need FOR TODAY! WE trust and believe that He is able!

    We will continue to pray for you! Know that God has allowed you to be where you are for a purpose. AND, HE HAS A PLAN. Hang in there!

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  3. Looks like things are improving a bit. I look at the pics of y'all all settled in and can understand why it would be difficult to transition to another room.

    We haven't had extended hospital stays yet. I have a friend, she is a pastor's wife, that has a child with major health issues and have seen her go through a lot of what you've written about here. Don't be so hard on yourself. We are human and can't always have it "all together"! The Lord's grace is sufficient for you in every circumstance. I think the saying, "The Lord won't give you more than you can handle" is unbiblical. He WILL sometimes give you more than you are able so you will depend on Him and not be able to do all things in YOUR strength. As mamas it's difficult sometimes to let go and truly REST in Him. This I know! You are an awesome mama Breck. I am simply amazed at at way you make the best out of every situation the Lord has placed you in. His grace and sufficiency is shining through!

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