16 March 2011

Crashing Waves of Grief

Grief is a funny sort of thing.   It comes and goes like the ebb and flow of the ocean...rising higher at times, loudly presenting itself for all to hear.  And yet, at other times, it seems to move more slowly and quietly, as if to blend into the background noise.

But make no mistake about it, grief can be there long after you have thought it left.

This is what I have most recently experienced.  I have mentioned before that it is often at the times when things seems to be least stressful, that I find myself feeling sadness, loss and disappointment.  Even at times when I am most pleased with the world, these feelings can creep in.

I think they are actually very healthy.  I believe that, at times when life is the least stressful, the brain will actually unconsciously offer the heart room to experience emotions and ideas that have been buried deeper within and have yet to be explored.

So, I share my grief as being a positive thing, although grief never feels good.

Leaving my sweet ones for an extended time, recent conversations about the potential of future children, Bennett's sudden lack of appetite, an upcoming CF clinic appointment this week and my anxiety about Bennett being admitted to the Baylor Feeding clinic in a few months seem to have just recently clashed to offer a perfect symphony of fears, anxieties, tears and pain.

It can feel so frustrating to feel such deep but often familiar feelings when it seems like nothing necessarily "caused" it.  But I am thankful for an understanding husband, sensitive friends and a loving family who do not require me to have an explanation for my feelings.  Instead, they just listen, rub my back and offer their help, should I need it.

I feel very supported, yet sometimes lonely.  I feel very understood, yet sometimes unknown.  I feel very frustrated, yet having options.  I feel very renewed, yet also tired.  I feel hopeful, yet a bit disappointed.

My previous experiences with counseling have given me the insight to realize that all feelings (both positive and negative) are meaningful.  I benefit most from listening to those feelings and emotions and giving words to them.

I have spent the last few days doing just that.  I do not believe that I will always feel this way - sadness over Bennett's diagnosis and continued difficulties.  But for now I do.

And that's ok.  God is a good god.  He wastes nothing.  He sees my tears.  And he is a dynamic God who draws near to those in pain.

Crying helps.  (Those coughing cries are the best.

Because after a good cry, I always feel better.  And, despite my fears as I begin to cry, the tears do not - and cannot - go on forever.

Tears mean something matters.  Bennett's health, more children and a life without hospital admissions all matter.

Sometimes...,all that is needed is just the validation that life isn't supposed to be this way...  

I am just glad to live in the confidence, it won't always be this way, either.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."  John 16:33


  1. wow, so beautiful, breck, so beautiful because these words were spoken from the depths of your heart, the place where you are most known. thank you so much for this post, it really helped me where i felt my good (emotionally) last couple of days got hijacked with more waves of grief tonight.

    i love the way you described it, you totally just put words to what we have spent the last couple hours crying and trying to give voice to, as it always feels "unfair" for me when grief rushes in again, unfair because I just want a "normal" day or a "normal" date night, or to even have times where grief is not present for more than a few hours, or a day. i really loved how you said it is this strange ebb and flow and something that can sometimes seep into the background and at other times is a deafening roar.

    even just tonight on our date we got hit with more waves of grief and had to remind ourselves, it won't always be this way either.

    yet, it's hard because even though grief, nor the mix of feelings and emotions is not bad, and pain is not bad, it still is really hard.

    we have to say over and over, this is only a season, though I can struggle to believe that some days. Yet, our God is a good God and He will continue to remember us. thanks for sharing this post, so timely as I was doing more writing from earlier that now has no bearings on what is on my heart anymore and decided not to post and caught this before heading out. So glad I did. love you girl, praying and weeping and rejoicing and grieving with you and for you.

  2. Beautifully written. I can so relate. Thank you for sharing.

  3. Thank you for sharing. I do understand those feelings of grief that sometimes grip your heart, many times when you least expect it and can't explain. CF is a disease that comes with many of those moments it seems. Remember God is near. CF is a mixed blessing. It causes us to daily remember that God is in control, while at the same time challenging us with the hope and wish that SOON it will be better, different.

    Hang in there, sister. And, yes, a good cry does wonders=). We continue to pray for your sweet family!


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