16 November 2010

What's it like?

I often wondered, before Bennett was born, what it must feel like to be the mother of a child with cancer.  How difficult must it be to watch your child suffer?  Or, for some, to face the reality that your child would not make it. 

Over the years, I have followed many families experiencing situations, such as childhood cancer, that I would never want to ever experience.  And I have been fascinated by the strength and resolve of the parents during such pain.  Even now, I follow Cami's story.

Before Bennett, I wondered many times:
What is it like to be a mother of a child with a life-threatening disease?

Even as I faced my own son's diagnosis of a terminal illness a year ago, I couldn't help but wonder what it must be like for those CF moms ahead of me - those who have been living with CF children for many years.  I wondered:

What is it like to live your life knowing your child may not make it to 40?

So, I found it a bit ironic when this same question popped into my head during worship at church this Sunday.  We were singing the song, "Everything Glorious."

As soon as I muttered the chorus "You make everything glorious," thoughts of sadness flooded my mind.  Faces of many friends/people I know who are hurting rapidly flashed in my head.  I was singing "You make everything glorious" and yet I was thinking of everything that was not glorious.

My heart and mind conflicted each other.  My heart wanted to sing truth about God while my head wanted to remind me of lies.

How can God be glorious when there is so much pain and sadness around me?

Then, a recent memory of my own pain bubbled up.  Today I could sing the words "You are glorious" but only a year ago I struggled to speak them.

How could God be glorious when my baby sits in the NICU struggling to eat facing a lifetime of illness and an early death?

As my thoughts danced through my head like the music that played on the church stage in front of me, I heard another question flitter about - a question I had many times asked...just never to myself:

What is it like to be a mother of a child with a life-threatening disease?

And my heart replied, this time, from someone who knows:
It's feels no different than before.  I still laugh and cry and sing and mourn and pray and hope.  I am still the same...except now, when I sing those words, they are real to me - sharper, more focused, more poignant.

Now, I know more what I have meant all along when I sing "You make everything glorious."


  1. Loved this post! I share your feelings...and often does my heart conflict with my mind....but faith is definitely what has brought me through!

  2. You always have have the right words Breck. I couldn't agree more.


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