01 July 2010

Breck's Thoughts: Getting Used To This

I'll be honest.  I'm not exactly getting used to this yet.  The doctors appointments, the bloodwork, the nurse phone calls, the worrying, the medications.

Yes, in some ways, it can feel a bit normal:  We know the folks at the Peds, GI, Surgery and CF doctors' offices pretty well.  We know the drives, the parking places, the hallways, the paperwork, the smell.  Many times it feels like visiting family.  We have the pharmacy phone numbers down by heart and have become incredibly efficient at balancing all of Bennett's daily needs.

But I still doesn't feel like I'm getting used to it yet.

In fact, in some ways, I'm feeling like it's just now beginning to sink in that this is forever.

Forever CF.


I'm sure alot of families must go through this very thing - accepting their child's illness, special need, struggle is for the long haul.  I'm pretty confident that I'm not alone by any means.  But just knowing that others deal with this doesn't make the "accepting" of my part any easier.

I grew up in a family of medical professionals.  Namely, my father, a doctor, and my mother, at one time, a nurse.  When we were little and got sick, we were treated immediately.  And we always got better.

But this isn't necessarily the case with a disease like Cystic Fibrosis.  Sick + Doctor does not always equal Better.

To be told that Bennett's pain might just not ever be able to be fixed is so disheartening.  Primarily because it feels so helpless to see him in pain, unable to do anything about it.  But, secondarily, because I must accept that he has a chronic illness...

...and pain, doctors, medicines, testing, hospitalizations, insurance and medical bills are just going to be a part of Bennett's life - and ours.

And CF is degenerative.  Slowly, ever so slightly, things are getting worse (whether we see it or not)...even as we are fighting like heck for things to get better.

It's just that sometimes, I forget that this fight is going to last a very, very long time.

And sometimes, I just get tired of I'm sure most all moms do.

The Lord is my strength and my shield; My heart trusts in Him and I am helped.  Therefore my heart greatly rejoices.  And with my song I will praise him.  Psalm 28:7

I have so much to be thankful for...the random coos when he's playing with a toy, the giggles when he is tickled, the squeals when he recognizes me, the medical advancements, the fact that a cure isn't far away, the support of family and friends, a husband who is my partner through this as well as my best friend...

I may never really "get used to this..." 
but, ultimately, 
it doesn't really matter, does it?

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