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Breck's Thoughts: A Kiss

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

It was a strange moment on Monday to be back in the same hospital with Bennett as I was 6 months ago when I gave birth to him. 

Thankfully we were no where near the Labor and Delivery area.  I don't really want to visit them any time soon.  But we were in Radiology Monday getting Xray and Ultrasound tests done.  So, I was able to appreciate that only months ago, in this building, my life changed forever.

...which is even more strange that the Sonographer mentioned our story.

After bringing Bennett in for his ultrasound the Sonographer asked why we were there.  I told her that we were fearful of a bowel obstruction, particularly "since he was born with meconium-"

"peritonitis?" She asked, finishing my sentence.

"Yes," I replied surprised she even knew what it this uncommon condition was.  "Do you get many cases of Meconium Peritonitis?"

"No.  But I think I remember your son.  Was he born here?"

"Yes," I answered.

"I thought his name was familiar.  I remember him.  I think I was the one who did his ultrasound right after birth.  He had fluid all in his abdomen!...They were really worried about him, weren't they?"

"I guess so," I said.  "I actually wasn't worried at all.  I had no idea how sick he was."  Curious at how her last sentence was so carefully spoken under her breath, I asked, "Why?  Did they think he was going to die?"

"Well," she replied, "they don't ever say a baby is going to die.  They just say, 'this is a very sick little baby.'  They don't want to expect a baby will ever die.  But they also don't want to get their hearts broken if they baby doesn't survive.  I think they knew that your baby was a 'very sick little baby.'"

Wow, I thought.  Another reminder of how close to losing Bennett we were.  I kissed Bennett's forehead at that moment.  We are so lucky, I thought.

And then, in that moment, I felt like God kissed my forehead.

I get so tired and weary of caring for Bennett sometimes.  I often want him to "be normal" and can feel so inconvenienced.  I think we are still in the process of accepting we have a baby with special needs.

But when I run into moments like these - reminders of where we have come - my heart becomes soft and thankful again.

Humbled, I am reminded that I do not deserve a healthy baby.  In fact, as God reminded me yesterday, I do not deserve a baby at all.  Bennett is a gift.

He always has been.  He always will be.   Our Blessed Little One.

2 Responses to “Breck's Thoughts: A Kiss”

  1. Yes, he is a gift. An you are a gift to all the people that read your blog. I have learned so much from you about CF, parenting a special needs child, and how to let Jesus carry us through each and every day.

    I love you Britt.

    Ms. Savage

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  2. This post was such a blessing to my heart. Thank you Breck for so clearly communicating your feelings and keeping us updated on your journey. I feel so connected to little Bennett and hope to meet him one day. Continually praying, angie

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