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Breck's Thoughts: Waiting

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Life has felt like being on a roller coaster the past month.  Sometimes I'm racing downward, other times I can feel the gravity of a climb.  Either way, I am certainly aware I'm not in control. 

I turn back my head and see where I came from.  And if I squint hard enough, I can look forward and see where I am going.  But mostly, all I can do is grip for dear life as I wait for this roller coaster to come to a hault.

The decision to keep Bennett in the hospital for his surgery is a scary one.  My heart cannot rest as I know that in some ways, we're beginning to go back uphill again.  Just when I thought the ride might be over for a small few minutes, I realize, it is not.

There is no bringing Bennett home for a few days.  There is no reprieve from the hospital or traveling daily to Temple.  There is no guarantee he will be well.

Here we go again: more surgery, more recovery, more potential complications.  Here we go again, waiting, watching, praying.  Sure, it will be nice when it's over.  But how long will we have to wait?  Four weeks has been an eternity.

Only last week, I had visions of bringing our baby home.  Holding him, feeding him, sharing him with family and friends, giving him midnight breathing treatments, changing his ileostomy near his crib.  It wasn't exactly what I had planned on when I got pregnant.  But I had accepted this change.  And now I was ready to fulfill it.

But within a few days, everything changed.  Now, my heart is being forced to grapple with the fact it will be weeks, most likely past Thanksgiving, before the son I had in September ever gets that "first ride home" in his carseat.

A ribbon of sadness runs through my day.  I try to move on with life - why should I walk around as though I have no hope?  And yet, it feels like the weight of my sadness pulls me down.  Things simply aren't as enjoyable as they were before.  It's much harder to experience life as though "all is well with the world" when I clearly feel all is not.

It's hard to live in the in-between...  I have a new baby son.  He will be home soon.  While he has a life-shortening condition, he will most likely be able to live a very normal life.  Even while waiting, I am fortunate enough to be with my new son in some capacity every day.

And yet, the nursery is still.  I do not awake to crying sounds.  My arms, made for two, have only one child to hold.  My son's recent birth is no longer fresh on my mind.  My body has almost completely recovered.  Even now, our son would not be returned to us as a newborn. 

I have to consistently remind myself that the staff at the hospital isn't holding my son hostage.  The "mother bear" within me wants to rush into the NICU, unhook Bennett and take him out.  And yet, I know I cannot.  I must just wait.

But waiting is hard.

Waiting is hard.

"I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope." Psalms 130:5

3 Responses to “Breck's Thoughts: Waiting”

  1. Breck,

    Thank you for sharing your experience so candidly. Waiting is so hard...it feels impossibly hard, but we know that God is good! Your faith inspires me! Please know that we are praying for you, and your boys. We look forward to the day when we hear Bennett gets to go home! Be strong, take heart, and wait for the Lord!

    -Devin

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  2. Hi Breck,

    I do not know you personally nor have we ever met. I worked at Pine Cove for 2 summers at the Ranch and saw the link to this blog on Mandy Sisco's facebook page about a month ago. I have been praying for your family, for Bennett, for your relationship with your husband as you go through this TOGETHER, and for Oliver (how is he handling the changes these days?). I haven't made any comments to this point, but I want to thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. Although I cannot imagine what you are going through, reading of your faith and courageousness is an inspiration to me. When I read that verse it reminded me of my "college verse" (who knows, maybe my life verse).

    "For God alone, O my soul, I wait in silence, for my hope is from him." Ps. 62:5 (ESV)

    I would recommend all of Psalm 62.

    Praying and lifting you up here in Fayetteville, AR!

    ~Kelli Strachan

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  3. My dear Breck...oh, how we are so alike. Although I've not had this kind of experience, I have had to wait. And waiting SUCKS. Waiting is my biggest weakness. It's a joke between Garth and I how terrible I am at it.

    I think God gives us experiences sometimes to help us tackle our weaknesses. I'm willing to bet that you will become much better at waiting as a result of this experience. Be strong. Know that there are so many people who care about you and your family. And know that even though things didn't happen like you wanted them, that perhaps that this adjustment will make things better in the long run for Bennett.

    I wish I could be there right now to give you a hug, sit with you in the car on that drive to Temple. Hang in there. The wait will be over soon. We love you!

    Laura

    p.s. Your writing on this blog is so wonderful, Breck. Way to put that j-school education to good use!

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