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Breck's Thoughts: But I don't want to.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Brian and I had our first counseling session yesterday.  It was a blessing be able to just schedule a time to sit down and process everything that has happened over the last two weeks.

While Brian and I have had opportunities to talk (such as hour-long car rides down to Temple and back again), we've not had an opportunity to grieve - to listen to the whispers deep within our hearts and to feel the emotions deep down inside.

Yesterday, we were able to set life aside and listen to ourselves for an hour...to share what is on our mind...and to acknowledge the feelings that exist but of which we might not even be consciously aware.

As I began to share my thoughts today, tears began to swell up in my eyes as I described how I just don't want to do this.  I just don't want to.

Here I am facing a sick child who has no choice but to endure the lifetime of treatments to keep himself alive.  And here I am wanting so badly to cross my arms and say to God: "but I don't want to."

When I shared this with the counselor yesterday, he prompted me, "What do you not want to do?"

And, then, as I began to share, I found my responses snowballed into a list longer than a child's letter to Santa: 

I don't want to have to change my child's ileostomy bag.
I don't want to have to deal with constant hospital bills, copays and insurance plans.
I don't want to administer twice daily breathing treatments to my son or feed him huge amounts of pills in order to keep him well.

I don't want to go to doctor appointments each month...or worry that if my child catches the flu, it could turn into pnemonia.
I don't want to accept this is our last natural born child...or, even worst,  possibly say goodbye to my child early.

I don't want to fret over my older son's jealousy that his younger brother is getting all of the attention.  I don't want to go to CF camps or coordinate CF fundraisers.
I don't want to wipe away tears when my child says, "please momma, no more."

I don't want to.  I just simply....don't want to.

This is a position I've been called to...but not one I've chosen.
And I struggle with this because to accept this role means I have to give up my other one. 

No longer can I simply sit back and enjoy the security (albeit false security) that all my children are healthy and won't need medical intervention.  No longer can I believe our family is self-sufficient, with no real need for others.  No longer can I keeping telling myself (again, albeit inaccurately) that I'm in control of my life.

To give up the position I was in two weeks ago, for the position that I am in now is to accept I am weak and needy.  It's to accept that suffering will be a part of my life and of those around me. 

I might not want to do this.  But I will.

For Bennett, I will.

Because God requires this of me, I will...even if I don't want to. 

I believe God did choose me to be Bennett's mom.  Now it's simply my turn to choose to accept it.

13 Responses to “Breck's Thoughts: But I don't want to.”

  1. And accept your role is what you will do because God made you the way you are, sweet Brittney Breck! How honest and profound are your thoughts, precious one. It just helps me to know how much more you need my constant prayers for understanding, for strength, for grace to overflow in your life as you CHOOSE to be obedient to what God has prepared you for! We love you!

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  2. Oh, Breck. How quickly it all changed. Thank you for your honesty. I'm praying.

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  3. wow...humbling. Thanks for that...it ministered greatly to me.
    Jared Angell

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  4. Breck,

    It's so bold and brave of you to share your inner-most thoughts about what has happened in the last two weeks. What you are feeling is completely normal and HUMAN. You are human. And, we are sinful. We think we've got it all planned out. We think that we know what's best. We've developed an image of how our lives should be...the white picket fence with the kids, the dog, the house. But, life rarely goes as we plan it. You're right, we're not in control. God is.

    It's hard to let go of the idea that we can control our destiny. But, we can take comfort in knowing that we CAN control how we choose respond to life's wrinkles.

    I think you have faced this difficulty head on. Yes, it's hard. Yes, you don't want to. The difference is that you WILL do it despite your human desire to say "no." This makes you strong. This is proof, yet again, that you were the right person for the job. Acceptance might not come easy, but it will in time.

    Thank you for the wonderful gift you have given us...your beautiful thoughts and demonstration of faith. We can all learn a lot from your example.

    Hang in there. We love you and continue to pray daily.

    Laura

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  5. Thanks for keeping us up to date on Bennett's progress through this blog and for sharing your journey through it all. You probably don't remember me, as I left Minden for college when you (Breck) were very young.

    I admire your honesty... with yourself, with Brian, with God, and the rest of us. One of the things I have learned along the way is that God is not where we think we SHOULD BE, or where we wish we COULD BE, but exactly where WE ARE. God is in the "I don't want to" with you. Be comforted in that. You are never ever alone!

    My continued thoughts and prayers are with you and all of your guys.

    Christy

    P.S. I love Monkey and Giraffe! :-)

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  6. Oh Breck! I heard from Joan at the WRC about Bennett. I just went through your blog day by day, and it leaves me sobbing and sometimes laughing between the sobs, from the beautiful words you both have written. I just want to fast forward to your happy ending- Why can't life always be a sit-com?
    You are such an amazing and strong person, as is Brian, and from the sound of it, so are many of the people around you. Lean on them and let God carry you. I will pray for you and your precious family.
    With love, Julie Tobias

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  7. Breck,
    Thanks for your honesty and sharing your thoughts and heart. I love following your blog and being able to know how to be praying for you all. I cry every time I read your blog. My heart hurts with you and I can't imagine all that you are going through. Your words challenge me and make me think. So thank you again for the updates and honesty!

    Love you!
    Melissa

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  8. Sweet Brittany....
    I have been praying for your little family. Bennett is so blessed to have you for his mama. Blessings will come from all of this. I know it is hard to see now. God never gives us more than we can handle. I know you did plan on facing anything like this. I love you Brittany. I know things won't be settling down too soon but I hope to come down and help you out if you wouldn't mind. If you don't have my email or phone..get it from your Mom. If nothing else just to come and check on you!!! Thank you for sharing your deep feelings with us. I know God has a plan for all of us!!
    Love,
    Stacy B.

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  9. God will be with you all the way, along with prayers and support from your friends and family. You and Brian are great parents already. Now you will be even better. You will be God's witnesses to so many and won't even realize it. Hope you get to take your little granola bar home soon! Love, Ann McCaa

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  10. You are very brave. Bennett couldn't have a better mother. I'm glad you are getting help figuring out what you are feeling. It can be hard to know. Sometimes just being able to express your anger, it's like then you don't have to be so angry anymore. Thank you for sharing.

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  11. I love seeing the strength and Christian maturity in your's and Brian's posts. It is a constant source of encouragement for those of us who love you and continue to pray for your family. Each of us will face difficult times in our lives - either we've already been there, we're there now, or we will be again. Not for the same reason - but difficult times come to all of us. Watching you walk through Bennett's birth and his illness with such reliance on God is testimony to how much God loves you and how He is carrying you through. We are continuing to lift all of you to the Father. <>< Marsha

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  12. Hello
    You don't know me, but I saw a link through a friend on Facebook. I just want you to know that I am a pediatric nurse and I help care for "cystics" on a daily basis. Some days are better than others. I have grown such a love for these young people. There's so much strength and courage in that one person it absolutely amazes me. Maybe God brought your child to you to bring long-lasting relationships with people you may never have otherwise met. (Although not anyone's first choice of ways to meet!)
    I also want to thank you for sharing your true thoughts and feelings!
    ~Always,
    Bethany

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  13. Breck,
    Never feel guilty for your thoughts and feelings. They are so natural. As I read them, I realized we are all created for a purpose and you were born to be Bennett's mommy. Please know that you are truly blessed to have him in good times and bad. You are so strong and I envy that so much.

    I pray to St. Jude every night for Bennett, you and your family. He is the saint of hopeless causes. I prayed to him for a year to send me my Grier. He's never disappointed me and Nick and I donate to the St. Jude cause every month.

    Know there is always a friend to write to in St. Louis.

    Love, Ainslie

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